The other day I had done a photo shoot on a model. She was young (22 years of age) and I had known her and her family for quite a long while. She was very happy to do the photo shoot, but afterwards she said that she was sad because she had just broken up with someone very dear to her. She said that she didn’t want to make any more mistakes when it comes to finding the right man for her, but she also admitted that she doesn’t know how to go about picking the right one. I told her that there is “no one foolproof method” for picking the perfect partner, because the perfect partner does “not exist.” We are “all” flawed in God’s eyes and no matter how many precautions you take there are still “no guarantees.” However, it is possible to strengthen your chances when it comes to recognizing the right partner. I might have been wrong, but I told her the very “first” thing she needed to do was “value herself.” As long as you hold yourself in high regard, a man will have “no other choice but to hold you in high regard” as well. In other words, a woman should “never” allow a man to disrespect her and get away with it. Now the definition of “disrespect” can vary for those who are not sure, but the basic fact is that no man should ever be allowed to hit you, threaten you, call you vicious names or try to dominate or control you. He should only have “one time” to pull a stunt like that off and there should be “NO” second chances. ALL real men are interested in sex, but a man who loves you “won’t mind waiting” for it just to prove that you mean more to him. I realize that love is tough for a lot of women because if you withhold intimacy from a man chances are he can go to your neighbor next door and probably get a “free shot.” While that might be true, he will never have “love” for that neighbor… only “infatuation.” If necessary you might need to let him know that he most certainly “can” go to your neighbor for a quick shot if that is what he desires, but once he does he can never come back to see you. A lot of women will try to hold on to a man by doing things like “going through his pockets” or “monitoring his activity” all the time. I am a firm believer in the “gate theory.” The gate theory is a story about a little child in a back yard. You may not want that child to leave the back yard, but if you lock the gate and tell the child not to leave out that gate, then the child will “naturally become curious as to what is outside that gate.” In order to find out, that child may test you by trying to climb over that gate or try to pry it open just to see. However, if you leave that gate open and tell that child that once you leave through that gate bad things will happen then that child will develop the wherewithal to “check himself.” He will realize that he can leave that gate at any time, but once he takes that risk he may lose everything. A lot of men are the same way. Trying to control them is unnecessary, because if they want to cheat then they will just find a way to do it. However, letting that man know that the “gate is open” for them to go elsewhere (but yet once he leaves through that gate the doors will close behind him and he will never get back in) can have a different psychological effect and possibly an even greater impact on that man’s “way of thinking.” As I said, “NO” way is foolproof, but most of the men I have talked to have said that this method made a big difference to them. Each person is different, and what works for some may not necessarily work for everyone. I wished this girl luck and she thanked me for the fatherly advice. She said it made a lot of sense to her. Thank you for checking out my Daily Thought today, and as always, I wish you the very best that life has to offer.
Brother Bill Jolly, Jon Bon Jovi, and Brett Jolly
Hello Mr. Jolly. I like reading your topics and your answers. I have an interesting question for you. When a man tells a woman that he loves her but he is not IN LOVE with her, what does he really mean?
Each man is different (to some extent) so I can’t say I am talking for each and every man out there, but for the “majority” of them I will just say that the man is telling you that he loves you enough to be “with” you, but he “doesn’t” love you enough where he can’t live “without” you. When you’re “in love” with someone it is physical, emotional and from the heart (in other words, “everything”). When you just “love” someone it is more like a “surface” thing. Kids love their parents, people love their pets, mice love cheese. When you just love someone you have much more control over how you feel. For instance, you might love someone until they do something totally disrespectful to you (and then you might hate their guts after that). When you’re “in love” with someone you just can’t “shut it off.” You will continue to love that person through all the bad things. If a man said that to you, then I still think it would be best if you ask him to define it for you. If he tells you that he can’t define it then that just means that he was confused to begin with. Usually when a man says that to a woman it is “not” necessarily what she would want to hear if they are in a relationship together. Some people have no problems throwing out the world love like it is simple to say, but those who are “in love” will say it with much more than just words… I will say this much: If a man isn’t “in love” with you, then he should not be “in bed” with you either. Make sure you know where his head is “before” you take the “plunge.” Finally, some people are not even sure if they know what being in love is, or if they are even feeling it. Since being in love with someone is internal, then that should mean that if they don’t feel it then it just “isn’t there.” When you are “in love” there is “no” confusion about it. I hope I was helpful today and thank you for submitting your topic. I hope you have an awesome day.
Simply “Brett Jolly in concert”
Dear Mr. Jolly. I have been in a two year relationship with a wonderful man. I know he loves me. He takes care of everything for me. He pays for my hair, my nails, and he does so without asking. He takes an interest in everything I do and will buy me gifts all the time. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be with. There is only one problem though: I don’t love him. I want to love him with all my heart, but the more I try to force myself the more I come to the reality that I don’t. He is so nice to me, and I don’t want to hurt him, but I also can’t see myself being with him either. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Love is an emotion that you feel from within. No matter how hard you try, you can’t just “make” yourself love anyone. At least you are honest enough to admit it. However, if this man has invested 2 years into you then there is no way he can avoid being hurt if you should now reject him. Even if you married him, at some point he is going to realize that your love is just “not there.” I believe there is only one element that “may” help you, and that element is “time.” Right now he is doing so much for you that you probably don’t have any “breathing room.” It is the equivalent to being at the movies and sitting “way too close to the screen.” In order to realize his value, it just might be in your interest to “take a small break.” You see, a LOT of us never realize what we have until we are “separated” from it. Men go through it all the time, and that is why when women break up with them they cry, beg, and scream to get back into the picture. By no means am I telling you to break up with him, but I do think you need just a little bit of “time to yourself” for reflection. I would suggest that you be up front and honest with him (but you don’t have to tell him that you don’t love him… that would only hurt him). Let him know that you need a little time for yourself to “sort out your heart.” It could be 3 weeks, a month or whatever you determine (However, I would strongly suggest you “not” try to make it more than a month). During this break time, you need to reject “any and ALL” benefits that he normally provides for you. In other words, he cannot be allowed to pay for “anything” you want or need during this time (I mean that). In order to miss him, you need to miss “ALL” the services and small special deeds that he does for you as well. I am sure there are “many” women out there that would love to have a good man like him, but right now he is probably doing “way too much” for you and he just might need to “ease up.” Time has been known to heal many hearts, and while I cannot guarantee that your situation will be “any” better when you come back to him, it “should” help you to have a clearer mind as to how you feel about him. Sometimes in life we may not always get what we want, but hopefully through trials and tribulations we get to recognize “what we need.” NEVER try to force love, but there is nothing wrong with giving love a chance to “set in.” If you decide to take a break, do not break off all communication with him. He needs to know that you are not trying to exit from his life, so periodic phone calls will help him “keep the faith.” Remember, if you reject him right now, you may not be able to get him back “later.” Right now you need to find “yourself” and when he asks you why you are taking your break that is exactly what you need to tell him. The move you make at this juncture could alter your life and happiness significantly. Take the time you need, but make sure to utilize it well. If it is meant to be, then you two “will” be together, but it is important for the both of you to have the “same” vision. Good luck to you, and please keep us posted.
Rapper Chuck D and Brett Jolly in concert
This is a love song with a storyline about love that crosses an ocean and 2 distinct languages. In it’s simplest form, I wrote this song utilizing only my bass guitar (and a small percussion track) as my instrumentation. Written when I was in Bordeaux, France, I just finished this music video that will hopefully tell my story. Thank you very much for checking it out, and have a great day
Why is it that most people who know they need change in their lives are so afraid to initiate it? The other day I talked to a female who had a boyfriend who didn’t support any of her life objectives, didn’t want her to be more successful than him and often said and did things to sabotage her chances of moving forward with her career. He constantly accused her of cheating on him, called her nasty names and blatantly disrespected her. “Everyone” who is familiar with this situation “knows” that this man is no good for her, but yet she still accepts him after all his misdeeds. When I talked to her she told me that this man treats her so bad, so I asked her why didn’t she just “leave” him. She responded by simply saying, “I don’t know.” I told her that sometimes the biggest changes don’t come from what you add to your life, but rather from what you “subtract.” I personally saw the texts that this man was sending her accusing her of infidelity. He called her a lot of nasty names and sounded very much like he was abusing her verbally. She said she can’t leave him because he knows where she lives and she would never be able to escape him. She also told me that she had a previous relationship with a guy who stalked her constantly and also mistreated her. This man would change his Facebook identity all the time so that he could spy on her and even send friend requests to her friends anonymously. At that point I began to realize that no matter how many men mistreat her, the only way to save her is to “change” her. You see, a man can only get away with what a woman “allows” him to get away with, and if she has the means to leave this man but never accepts it, then how much blame is attributed to him and how much to her? This is where “change” comes in. Sometimes in order to instill change in your mate, you have to instill change in yourself. Men “will” respect you when you “respect yourself.” You should never consider yourself “powerless.” Often a man will accuse the woman of cheating to hide the fact that he himself is cheating, but as long as he can keep you on the defensive you won’t have the time or opportunity to figure that out for yourself. Yes, some people are afraid of change, but one way or another, change is “inevitable.” Never be afraid to take the opportunity to direct your life in a much more positive direction. “Change” can work “for” you, but only if you give it the opportunity to do so… Take care, and I hope you have a fantastic day today.
Got a topic? Contact me via email at Brettjolly@aol.com or Brett@Love-notes.co. You can also send me a friend request on Facebook, or on Skype (username Brettjolly1). Thank you and have a great day.
Patti Labelle and Brett Jolly at an outside concert at Art Museum
Mr. Jolly. My husband’s best friend comes over periodically to see him and they always appear to be very good friends. I was glad to see that he had male friends that still come to see him. His friend and I have talked several times and we have had some good discussions. However, my husband has a bowling night on Tuesdays of each week and ALL his good friends know about it. Last Tuesday someone rang our door and it turned out to be my husband’s friend. I informed him that this was my hubby’s bowling night, but for some reason he wanted to come in anyway to speak to me. I started to feel real uncomfortable with this, because I could tell that his intention wasn’t to talk to my husband at all. He started to tell me about the problems he is having with his own wife and he kept repeating to me that he is lonely. He kept complimenting me on how beautiful I was and how lucky my husband is. I wasn’t sure what was on his mind but when he finally decided to leave he asked me for a hug. I didn’t know how to tell him no, so I did hug him. He would not let me go for a long time. His intentions were very obvious and I don’t know if I should tell my husband about this or not. He said he may stop back next Tuesday to see me again. I don’t want any trouble and I am a good woman to my husband. How should I handle this?
Do what you would expect your husband to do if this situation were “reversed.” For this man to sneak behind his back and try to get close to you is totally disrespectful to you both. If you do nothing about it, then this man could possibly start to believe that you like him back, and that could be disastrous. You OWE it to your husband to tell him the truth and the “sooner the better.” While it is great for your husband to have male friends, he most certainly doesn’t need a male friend like “this.” As long as you are truthful, your husband should “appreciate” you for bringing this to his attention. Since this man already has a wife, he is disrespecting her as well. Once your husband knows about this and confronts his friend, I can pretty much tell you what this man is going to say. He will probably tell your husband that “you” led him on. If he is cowardly enough to try to sneak time with you behind your husband’s back then he is cowardly enough to blame you instead of himself. I can not tell you what to do about this specifically, because the answer to that should come from you and your husband. However, I will say that it would be nice if you both set up a little “sting trap” to catch this man in the act. Maybe you can hide your husband’s car next Tuesday and have him wait in the house for this man to come back over. For the record, just remember that some men will only try the things that they “think” they can get away with. If this man believes that he can be secretive with you then he is prone to believe that you “secretly” want him back. It is up to you to give him a “firm NO.” Show your husband that you have his back and report this to him immediately. The longer you wait the more uncomfortable it could be later on. Good luck to you and please update us on this situation.
Got a topic? You can contact me via email at Brettjolly@aol.com or Brett@Love-notes.co. You can also send me a friend request on Facebook or Skype (username: Brettjolly1). Thank you and have a great day.
Rapper Chuck D (Public Enemy) and Brett Jolly performing “Fight the Power” in concert