Brett Jolly’s Daily Thought (Topic” After 5 months do I “owe” him sex?)

Dear Phantom,

I am in a relationship of over 5 months and I am trying not to feel a certain way. While we have been together a LOT, we have not had a sexual intimate moment yet (in other words, there has been NO sex). Just the other day he was telling me that he has proven as much as he can that he loves me and he especially made note that he has spent a LOT of money just to be with me, well knowing that he was getting nothing in return. Now he wants me to prove to him that I am not into him for just his money. Should I feel insulted by his remark?
 
Yes, and no. Just like you have a right to make him wait to prove his love for you, he also has a right to know that you are “at least interested” in him. There is nothing wrong with a man spending money on a woman, but you “have” to KNOW that eventually he is going to want “something” in return. From a man’s perspective, the more you keep allowing him to spend money on you the more he thinks you are “digging” him, so subsequently he is thinking that at some point you will feel like having  “some” moments of intimacy. It may not have to be “sexual intercourse” but something that at least shows affection (kiss, hug, cuddle on couch, etc.) If you are not sure of your feelings for him yet, then you can offer to go out with him and do some things that are “free” (like go for walks in the evenings together or watch television). To play it even safer, you can offer to pay for your own items (or you can even treat “him”). If a man is spending his hard earned money for over 5 months on you and has not even received an “ounce” of affection, then his mind will naturally wonder whether you are using him or not. No one wants to feel used, whether it’s sexually of monetarily. If you want him to prove himself to you then it would be an equally good gesture to prove yourself to him as well. A man hates to think that his efforts are in vane, so while you don’t have to give yourself to him sexually you can still show your appreciation in other ways. Why not buy him a decent shirt for him to wear as a nice gift? This concept is known as a little “give and take.” Here is some food for thought: A LOT of men would have probably “given up” on you after only TWO months. The fact that he is still here for you after 5 months should mean something. NEVER give your body to a man if you are “not feeling” him yet, but don’t be afraid to show your appreciation in “other ways.” It could make a “big” difference in how this relationship progresses. Good luck and here is the Phantom Poet who feels backed up for over 5 months:
 
We have been dating for months, and I have not given him any
Each time we’ve gone out, his dollars have been spent aplenty
He has handled this for over 5 months, and never once did he debate me
And to me he has never complained, at least not until lately
He said he spent a lot of money on me, like I didn’t already know this
He said that he feels really bad because he has not even gotten a kiss
He understands that he needs to be patient for love. He says he has no doubt
But he wants to know what I will do with him ounce his money runs out
He also wants to make sure that I care for him, and that I’m not a gold digger
Now I’m trying to figure out if I should feel insulted from this old “Negro”
I am a woman who loves attention, and I feel I deserve this in my prime
He should feel honored just to be with me, because I’m worth EVERY dime
I realize I am spending all of his money, but he shouldn’t think that I don’t care
It is important for him to know that ALL in love isn’t always fair
I can tell that he has dreams of me and him getting it on
He don’t know that my butt will be out of here once his money’s gone
When he searches for me, he will have no idea of where I went
But I will leave him a little note thanking him for all the money he spent
I may be wrong for doing this to him, but I still feel complacent
Oh! He put the car in my name and now I must make the payments?
I don’t have that much money, and I don’t know where to get it
But if this car isn’t paid for, it could ruin my credit
He tricked me, and I never realized that he could be so clever
I think I “love him” now and I hope I can get us back together
I still hope he loves me, but I think now he may love me not
I want him to pay for this car, so maybe now I can give him a shot
Now that he has gotten some, this issue shouldn’t be much of a debater
But he just said, “Paid in full! Enjoy your payments and see you later.”
How DARE he use me like that? What gave him that right?
I guess he did unto others as others have done unto him…oh well… “goodnight…”

Rest in Poverty… The Phantom Poet

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Rapper Chuck D (from Public Enemy) and Brett Jolly onstage in concert

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Brett Jolly’s Daily Thought (Topic: “He went back to his old girlfriend”)

Dear Phantom Poet. A boulder has been dropped on my life. This man that I have totally adored, spoiled and fell deeply in love with has dropped such a boulder on me I don’t know how to recover?  We dated for 2 years and had serious talks about marriage. Down to when we wanted to get married, who we would want in the wedding, where we were going to get married, I mean the whole shabang.  He went away on a business trip and came back and told me that he was going back to his old girlfriend.  I felt like throwing up right in his face, this has left me so depressed with the feeling that I can never trust anyone again. I don’t want to be single all my life, how did I ever miss this coming?
 
You are upset, and understandably so, but it is important to make sure you keep the “right” focus. You don’t need to focus on “not” being single all of your life. Your goal should instead be to find love with the “RIGHT” man for you. It is important that you at least think this way; otherwise, you will only be looking to fill a void… There is someone out there for you but I hope you don’t try to fill the spot up with “temps” in the meantime just because you feel “lonely.” Also, I have news for you. If this man decided to go back to his old girlfriend then that means that they’ve been “talking all along” behind your back. In fact, when he went away on his “business trip” I will gladly wager that she was with him. The easiest thing to do is continue pondering what happened, but that kind of thinking will never help you to “move forward.” If he can do this to you, then rest assured he can do this to her, and this is the type of aggravation you don’t need. Be glad that you found out about him BEFORE the both of you walked down the aisle. Also, I promise you that at some point he will try to reach out to you again (probably with stories about how he and his new girl are having problems and how much he misses you). EVERY dog comes back to his feeding area, and this one will be no different. I just hope that you take the initiative to reject him when he does. You deserve better and now you have the opportunity to achieve it. Get yourself busy, get dressed up, “get your hair did” and go out. NEVER stay home alone to contemplate what happened in a failed relationship. That kind of energy should be channeled in a much more positive direction. Above all, be prepared to start over with a positive spin. After all, you’re pretty, intelligent and men “want” you. Once you realize this, then you will forget all about “what’s his name.” Let’s let the Phantom Poet put this in the proper perspective:
 
You can lock him up in a basement and control him with chains and whips
But this woman needed to watch out when her man went on business trips
Because even though they had the best of times when they were home
It was a whole different world when he traveled out alone
Yes, the man that she openly wanted, loved and adored
Went back to his old girlfriend, and this can’t be ignored
He cheated, he lied, and he sneaked around in order to get her
But this should be a happy moment for you (because you can definitely do “better”)
For you to blame his behavior on a business trip is entirely too wrong
Because if he went back to his “ex”, that means they were talking all along
And before you allow your imagination to get too far off track
You need to realize that this was always happening behind your back
For him to do that was wrong, and love can sometimes be unfair
But it is quite possible that you could have missed the warning signs there
What you don’t seem to realize is that this is a special moment to savor
Because in reality girlfriend went and did you a big favor
Since he cheated on you, then he’ll cheat on her and so much more
And that is the “exact” reason why he left her before
Before you take that walk down the aisle, and say that little oath
If she is willing to take him back, then more power to them both
He was a true dog, and the warning signs were probably there before
You can find a “better” type of animal from going into the “pet” store
Just imagine how bad you would have felt if his child you had carried
So be glad that you found out about him NOW BEFORE you got married
So this isn’t a loss for you, in fact you are actually winning
And this isn’t the “end” for you, but rather the “beginning”
So you need to feel positive while you are reading my rhyme
And note that this funky, greasy, earthworm wasn’t deserving of your time
It won’t be long before he misses you and tries to come back for another taste
When he does, I just hope you do the right thing, and slam the door in his face…
 
“Of course, you could slam the door on other areas, too” The Phantom Poet

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You can email me your topic at Brettjolly@aol.com or Brett@love-notes.co and you can send me a friend request on Skype at Brettjolly1. Thank you and have a great day

R&B performer Dwele and Brett Jolly performing by the riverfront

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Brett Jolly’s Daily Thought (Topic: Is it love or just lust?)

Dear Phantom Poet. How can I tell whether I’m in love or lust? I met this guy about a year ago and we just can’t keep our hands off each other. Every time we are together we have sex, not just once but a few times.
 
This one should be easy. Just stop having sex and see if you still “like” each other. Love isn’t “just” about sex, and sex should NEVER be “mistaken” for love. Love comes from the heart, and sex comes from …well… “other” places… Sex can be a PART of love, but you can’t be apart from each other and still have sex (unless,of course, you count that phone sex thing, or online foreplay). It’s great that you are enjoying a thrilling sex life, but you shouldn’t count on it lasting forever. When the novelty wears off, you are going to be left with an actual “personality” to contend with, and only THEN will you know if it’s truly love… You can love someone from half a world away. You can’t have physical sex without being in a much “closer” proximity (unless, of course, someone is “REALLY” gifted).  I always say imagine the both of you at old age. Imagine that all the physical traits are gone and all you have left is some broken down, wrinkled mate that needs Geritol just to get excited for Bingo. Can you still picture yourselves being together? If you can, then that could be love. However, if you are only thinking about wheelchair sex, then that is only lust (Please make sure to apply the brakes first, though). Above all, make sure that your lover is in fact your friend, and then go have more sex with him or her (while you are still able). Hey, why not? Here is the Phantom Poet to bring this debate to a close:
 
Please tell me if this is love or just lusting infatuation
Is it real from the heart or just physical confrontation?
How can a man tell if he is in love or only in lust?
Well, when they talk, does he even look ABOVE her bust?
When you do things together, that can be chalked up to romance
When you only think about sex, you might just be “hot in the pants”
Can you both sit together for hours without touching for the duration?
Or do you HAVE to get it on to relieve your frustration?
Love is never having to say you’re sorry (even though this might sound corny)
Sex is never having to say you’re unfulfilled (because now you might be horny)
Love involves emotions, while sex involves action (Do you agree?)
“Is that a bass guitar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I just KNOW I’m in love. He has muscles, tight abs and a great frame
And I am truly in love with uh… oh… Damn! What’s his name?
And your woman might be worth more than all the precious pearls
When you see her, you should say hello first, instead of just groping her “girls”
When you are trying to get some, meaningful dialogue is often loathed
And it’s a shame when you don’t even recognize each other clothed
So is it love or is it lust? That is truly the question
Abstain from sex and see if you still like each other. That’s MY suggestion…
 
“The closer I get to you…” The Phantom Poet

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A vintage picture of the late jazz saxophonist Grover Washington jr., brother Bill Jolly and Brett Jolly

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Brett Jolly’s Daily Thought (Topic: Ladies say they don’t “need” a man)

I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO A COUPLE OF LADIES WHO HAVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND THE FIRST THING THEY SAY IS THAT THEY DON’T NEED A MAN TO MAKE THEM FEEL COMPLETE YET THEY ARE STILL TRYING TO FIND LOVE. IF THAT IS THE CASE THEN WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS CONTINUING TO CRY THE BLUES WHEN THEY ARE SINGLE?

Because to be loved is one of our basic needs (especially for those of us who equate “sex” with love). These women actually may “not” need a man to make them complete, but that shouldn’t stop them from wanting one regardless. I think we all know people just like this. They will tell you that they are perfectly happy the way they are and yet they get upset whenever a relationship doesn’t work out. They may be trying to say that they are “independent” women, and if that is the case then that’s admirable. However, being independent is not the same as needing companionship. We all need to interact with each other to survive and having relationships is considered normal activity for most of us. These women are only trying to fool you into thinking that they are “exempt” from love… The truth is that “none” of us is exempt from love… We all are prone to love and we all should feel the need for companionship and intimacy.  In this instance you should let them say whatever they want, because they are obviously fooling “no one.” However, if they continue to “think” this way then they can “subliminally” convince themselves that every time they start to form a relationship that it will fail. THAT kind of thinking could be detrimental. Most times if we continue to think “negatively” then negative things “will” in fact happen. They need to let go of the negative baggage and go on a date with a “positive” demeanor. If they can feel it, then their “dates” just might feel it too. Just wish them the best and ignore all of that other rhetoric. Here is the Phantom Poet to expound:

Some lady friends of mine are having that  “relationships” problem
And they just can’t seem to find a way to help solve them
They make it seem as though they can get someone anytime they can
But yet they keep saying that they really “don’t need a man”
When in reality, we all know just what these women are thinking of
Because the truth of the matter is that EVERYONE is in need of love
Even though they say one thing, something else is always concluded
Without men, these women will need “toys” (with batteries included)
There are small ones, big ones, and colorful ones, by golly
And I have heard that there is even one out there NAMED “Mr. Jolly”
If that is the case, then I may be entitled to money contingent
On whether or not I can sue them for “copyright infringement”
If they named it after me, then I might be entitled to money and all
If they modeled it after me, I just hope they didn’t make it “too small”
If it is little, then I might not sure, but as far as we know
Something tiny can be embarrassing to a man’s ego
As for your friends, you won’t need to estimate or even guess
Every time they keep telling you that stuff, just chalk it up to “more BS”
They say they don’t need men… Well, here is the update on that news
“If you don’t need a man, then don’t continue to cry the blues”

“Song by the legendary blues singer… BB Phantom Poet”

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Jill Scott and Brett Jolly in concert

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Brett Jolly’s Daily Thought (Topic: Diabetes and sex)

Hello Phantom Poet! I read your page every day. Well, I have a situation for you. I don’t know if you can help me as much but I want to know your input. Here goes: I am a female who want to have sex on a daily basic. My husband is a diabetic which means he can not perform. I dont want to hear about all the other ways to pleasure a woman. I want to have some old fashion hard core sex. Its to the point where I am pleasuring myself everyday. I don’t know what to do I can’t take it any more. I am thinking about doing me…what do you think?
 
Diabetes is a disease that can be tough on a sex life. Men (and women) who have diabetes have often found it difficult to maintain a good healthy sexual atmosphere. However, having this disease doesn’t mean that you are “licked yet” (Aw, sorry… bad  pun there). I researched the effects of diabetes and found that it is STILL possible to have a good sex life under these conditions. If you do an online search of “diabetes and sex” you will find plenty of articles on how to best deal with the sexual aspect of this disease. To my surprise in just about ALL the articles I read they said that it is still POSSIBLE to have sex with diabetes. Certain things may have to be done differently but as long as you can still accomplish good loving then it may all be worth it. The most important thing is to make sure you don’t put MORE stress on your husband, because that will only make matters worse. It would, however, be a great idea for the both of you to visit your local doctor. You owe it to yourself AND your husband to explore all possibilities when it comes to sexual activity with diabetes. Don’t give up… If anything you need to get more determined. Do your research and MAKE it work for you. In the end your husband will appreciate it (and you probably will too).  Then hopefully HE can end up being the one to “do you”… “FOR” you… Here is the Phantom Poet to get a “stiff leg up” on this situation:
 
 
My husband suffers from diabetes, but I have sexual needs in store
I am outright BEGGING for him to give me “sex hardcore”
I am a virile woman with an insatiable sex drive, and for me that’s just the norm
So what can I do when I have a husband who cannot perform?
I don’t want to hear about the other ways in which a woman can be pleasured
When my man’s joint is working right then that’s something to be treasured
It’s tough to have a husband who is a diabetic
But maybe the best bet is for us to see a “medic”
When my man is rolling right he’s the best around
With him, I like to smack it up, flip it AND rub it down
So in my quest to have with him sex hard core
We need to find a way to help make him hard more
There may be other options, and someone just gave me a good hint
What do you think could happen if we put it in a splint?
It could possibly work, and I would appreciate it much
It might be the same as hobbled people who need a crutch
The rationale behind this concept really isn’t so vague
After all, I have ALWAYS considered this to be his “third leg”
I want to have sex with my husband just about every day
So I’m willing to research to find “each” and “every” way
I want him to hit it fast and I want him to hit it slow
I want him to break down the “walls of Jericho”
I’ve bought most of my batteries in packs of two
Because a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do
I don’t need a side guy, and I don’t need to bring in a ringer
For me, I’m just glad that I have one TRULY long finger
So if your man has diabetes, and you want him to hit it right
Line up to see his doctor, and if necessary, camp out overnight
So if my husband expects to keep me calm
He’d better get it up, keep it up and if necessary… “Embalm”
In this way I can surely have peace of mind
Because ladies, a “hard man” is truly “good” to find
 
 
“Oh, I’m so happy… I think his “spirits” are rising… The Phantom Poet

 

Email me at Brettjolly@aol.com or Brett@Love-notes.co

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The Soul Survivors (“Expressway to your heart”) and Brett Jolly in concert

 

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