Brett Jolly’s Daily Thought (Topic: Misused big words)

Subject: Misused big words
I have won many contests in our school and have become very popular. My boyfriend has been trying to use big words when he talks to my friends and me. The problem is, he misuses them and it’s embarrassing. How do I get him to stop without hurting his feelings?
Easy… When adjusting the proper context of his existential foundations beyond the proposed limitations of standard theological dogma, he has encompassed the virtues of moral juxtapositions according to the outlying borders of conventional lunacy, thus enabling compromised castration to enhance the total destruction and depletion of his mental capabilities… He has rendered the embellishment of corroded microscopic fibers moot in conjunction with the expected buildup of unsurpassed stupidity, while his infinite displays of illiteracy diminish all aspects he could possibly have of any perceived validity… When you get him back home you can administer the social reciprocation under his “umbrella…ella…a…a…” and partake of his congenial misgivings until his educational deprivation comes to fruition… Well, I guess what I am saying is that you need to just take him to the side and let him know that he is using words improperly. If you let him continue then someone else is sure to embarrass him soon, so I think it would be better for him to hear it from you as opposed to hearing it from someone else. Be gentle with him, though. He is only trying to keep up with you intellectually, and in case you have not figured it out by now, most men DO have “sensitive” egos. We mean well, but sometimes it is difficult for us to admit that our women “might” actually be smarter than we are… Handle him with care, but make sure to address the matter with him. He would feel much more embarrassed if someone else corrected him in front of you, so put a stop to it before it gets any worse, and remember, his established libido only represents a continued pseudo-characterization of his functional illiteracy, thus enabling him to be victimized by the firm essentials of the Phantom Poet:
My man tries his best to impress me with his words
But he is coming up with stuff that no one has ever heard
He thinks he is socializing with something spectacular
But he just doesn’t have an enhanced vernacular
When he tries to impress, people look at us real numb
Because my man doesn’t realize that what he said was just dumb
I shutter when we go to social functions early in the morning
And he tries to communicate about the dangers of “global warning”
It’s “WARMING” my dear, and I pray that one day you get it right
Until then, please keep your mouth closed and your lips shut tight
My boyfriend always has something to say about the ills of our nation
Please stop talking about illegal “immunization”, when it’s supposed to be “immigration”.
When we talk, please let ME be the vocal leader by choice
If you like, I can even put a little “bass” in my voice
I am not trying to step on your manhood, but I don’t want us to be embarrassed either
So if you want to speak for us or be the leader, I suggest you choose neither
Your semantics are just wrong, and I am not trying to call you a fool
But I will surely let you speak more after you go back to school
So if your man thinks he has a vocal repertoire, and tries to come off real cool
Kick him in the leg and let your friends know that on this subject “Ladies” rule
It is better to have your man say nothing, and thereby erase any doubt
Than to have him state absurdities… with his foot… in his mouth…
     From the tyrannosaurus… uh, thesaurus… of the Phantom Poet

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Late jazz sax player Grover Washington Jr., brother Bill Jolly and Brett Jolly before a show