This past weekend I had a chat with one of the members of the band I was playing for. We were having an interesting discussion about relationships. She was already well established in a good relationship but she admitted that it took her 2 years “after” her prior relationship for her to feel up to starting a new one again. Of course, being the “question interview” person that I am, I just had to engage her about this situation. I asked her if anyone had ever tried to come onto her during the time she was going through her “rebound” period. She said that several had tried to talk to her during that time but she had no intentions of accepting anyone. I then asked her what she would do if the right person came to her before she could finally “shed off” the weight of her past relationship. How would she handle it? She said that after a failed relationship she would always take time (most times up to a year) to grieve over it, and if anyone wanted to get to know her during this time then a lot of patience would be needed, because no matter who or what it was she would NOT entertain the thought of starting a new relationship until she knew for sure that it is truly “love.” I then asked her if she believed in the concept of “love at first sight.” She instantaneously said “No”. In her words, “No one can possibly love me without first knowing me. There could possibly be lust at first sight but NEVER love.” I then asked her if love was based more on knowledge of someone or was it based on how you feel emotionally. She responded by saying that she had her “own” heartfelt definition of love and it went like this: You know you are in love when you realize your mate has some “really major flaws” that you don’t like but are still willing to accept him or her anyway. He could have gum disease, poor manners, no sympathy, arrogance and a whole plethora of demons, but if you are willing to accept all of that then it must be love… I kind of had to think about this for a second and after serious consideration I began to realize that she just “might” be “right.” NO ONE is perfect and everyone has flaws. If you are willing to put up with bad habits that you wouldn’t take from anyone else then you must have love for that person. I then asked her where the “knowledge” aspect comes in. She said the knowledge comes from when you already “know” that this is not going to get any better no matter what you do. Then knowledge comes from acceptance. I told her that there are married couples who have been married well over 25 years who “still” don’t know each other. She countered by saying that “most” of those married couples know enough to realize things won’t get much better. That is acceptance… that is knowledge… and that is love… Most times I come from my own perspective when it comes to writing about relationships. This time I wanted to post something from a female’s perspective. I have no idea how many people (male or female) would agree with this, but I do feel a lot of merit in what she has said. You could love someone who is a real bastard to deal with, and while others may treat you better most will stick with the “faulty” individual you are already involved in a relationship with. While many will still “try” to literally “change” the behaviors of a mate the love won’t disappear if that mission is never accomplished. Why do we put up with this? It seems like when you are in a relationship you will “always” meet someone else who you KNOW will treat you better, and yet you continue to stay with the mate who will almost “never” measure up to your standards. Are we just gluttons for punishment? Whether you snore, burp loudly or leave the toilet seat up you know that you are going to do something that your mate doesn’t like. If your mate still loves you after all of this then by definition is this your “soul mate?” I am not sure if there is a real purpose behind today’s article but I found the discussion intriguing enough to put out there. I would love to know if “anyone” agrees with her rationale for love and why (or why not?). Since we all are different then our versions of what love truly is might be different as well. For those who think they have the answer, please email me and let me know what it is. I am sure my readers will want to know as well. Thanks and have a great day.
Jill Scott and Brett Jolly in concert