Subject: Trying to move on
I am trying so hard to move on from my failed relationship with my “ex.” The problem is that I can’t seem to get past it because we have a child together. He will always be in my life because he is the father, but I really don’t want to see him anymore. It is just too painful for me. In fact, I hate to say that I hope I never hear from him again. This is wishful thinking, because he is always trying to contact me in regards to our son. Just thinking of him makes me angry and I want him out of my life totally. Do you have any ideas as to how I can handle this?
Sure… Just imagine if this situation was reversed. Supposed your son lived with him and he felt the same “negative” way towards you. Would his feelings stop you from trying to contact him in regards to your child? Of course not… He IS the other parent, and he has every right to contact you “in the best interests” of the child. As long as that child is living you need to “accept” the fact that his father will always be a part of this equation. One way to prevent yourself from seeing him again is to set up visitation rights through the court system. They may decree that you drop your son off to a relative or friend so that the father can pick him up over there (and subsequently return him there). However, it feels as though your issues stem more from your own thoughts about this relationship. Please keep in mind that even if you never get to “physically” see him again, you will “still” see an integral part of him everyday through the son that you both share. There is no way around that one. I think it is real important that you NOT let your feelings for your “baby Daddy” get so bad that it boils over into the child. All it takes is for the child to look (or act) “anything” like the father (even if the resemblance is minor) and that could be enough for you to generate hatred. You don’t have to entertain the thought of ever having to rekindle the relationship, but if you truly love your son then you need to “thank” his daddy for his part in helping you bring him into this world. Hopefully that thought can be the “first” step in you becoming able to “forgive him” and move on. He no longer deserves your hatred because he is no longer a part of your social life (even though he is still involved in your child’s life). Through him you have a gift so precious. You may have to share this gift with him but if that is the case then “so be it.” It is not about “getting him out of your sight.” It is really about “getting him out of your mind.” If you can find it in your heart to forgive him then it won’t feel so painful whenever you see him again. The fact that you are no longer involved with him means that you have “already” moved on in at least “one” sense. Once you get him out of your head (and heart) then it won’t be a problem at all talking to him. I understand that a woman can feel terrible emotionally when she has been “wronged” by a man. As bad as it may have been, you need to try to resist the urge to let his actions make you “eternally bitter.” Your son should be your reason for being able to “smile” again and if you can find a way to focus on that then it won’t make a difference “what your ex says, wants or does.” If you truly want to move on, then stop wasting your energy by focusing on “unneeded” anger. The best way to get past him is to “first” forgive him. If you can accomplish that, then you are finally ready to take the next steps toward moving on. Your son will be able to “feel” your resentment towards his daddy, and that is something that a child should never have to experience from a parent. If you truly want to move on, then leave the baby daddy AND the anger behind. A child needs for both of his parents to at least act civil towards each other even if they are no longer together. It is time to let go of the past and at least act like parents “separately” for the sake of the child. As long as you continue to focus on the past then you will always feel abused by it. Let go, and let your love for your son guide you to “forgive.” Thank you for your topic, and I hope you have a great day.
Billy Paul (He sang the classic hit “Me and Mrs. Jones) and Brett Jolly in concert in Tunisia, Africa